Australia Post created a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Mr Kevin Rudd, and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as requested by the Prime Minister after a special commission enquiry finding.

The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and spending of $1.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings -
1)  The stamp is in perfect order
2)  There is nothing wrong with the adhesive
3)  People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp

courtesy of Bill Creasey

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a big property for many years. He had a large pond in the back, with picnic tables and some apple and peach trees close by and the pond was fixed up for swimming when it was built. One summer evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.  As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to  the deep end of the pond.  One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave !"  The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim  naked or make you get out of the pond naked."  Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

courtesy of A. N Other

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. 
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." 
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house 
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." 
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible.It  took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot  will recite it. 
The other brothers were impressed.  After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room but I have to clean the whole house  Thanks anyway." 

"Marvin, I'm too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes but the thought was good. Thanks"

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it can hold 50 people but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and  I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just  the same."

"Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."  Luv, Mama 

courtesy of Pieter Bakker

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they're interchangeable' . . . .

courtesy of Carolyn Phythian

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing but standing up. At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife ?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle and don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet ? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants ? Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead !" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

courtesy of Jim Cryer

Jack decided to go ski-ing with his friend Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone first thing" The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.  Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of ski-ing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was from the lawyer of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago ?"

"Yes, I do" said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?"

"Well, um, yes !" Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name ?" Bob's face turned bright red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry mate. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask ?"
 
"Because she just died and left me everything."

courtesy of Jim Cryer

Judge to prostitute 'So when did you realise you were raped ?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears 'When the cheque bounced.'

courtesy of Karen Baxter

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in Starbuck's cafe discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, 'We Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows. The Scotsman replied, 'Well. It was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.' The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, said, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.' And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex '. The Scotsman replied, 'Aye indeed, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'

courtesy of AC

A doctor on his morning walk noticed an elderly lady sitting on her front step and smoking a cigar. He said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look - what is your secret ?'

"I smoke ten cigars a day,' she said. 'Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice fat joint. Apart from that, I drink a big bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop pills,  get laid and don't exercise at all."

"That's absolutely amazing ! How old are you ?"

"Twenty-four," she replied.

courtesy of Remo Ricciardi

After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't done in some time. His fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.  He placed his hand on her left inner arm, stroked the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped and rolled over. As she became quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Darling, that was wonderful. Why did you stop ?'  

'I found the remote' he mumbled.

courtesy of Linda Stanton

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex ?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered  

"Is that one word or two ?".

courtesy of Jim Lowry

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem. The Captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
'Look, It's not the same hat !' or 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table !' or 'Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades ?'

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did'nt utter a word. This went on for a day. Then two days. Three days. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could'nt hold back any longer and said - Ok. I give up. Where's the ship ?

courtesy of Andrew Paramor

James is watching TV while his wife is out at for dinner with friends. His son Daniel who was watching TV in his room, appears in the doorway. "Dad, what's love juice ? "
James chokes on his beer and thinks, '"he's twelve now, perhaps I should explain.'.

"Well, son," he says, "soon you will meet a girl who you fancy, you will become excited and your willy will get very hard."
James gulps and carries on, "you will touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel wet. This is her love juice coming out of her vagina, it means she's ready for sexual intercourse."

The son looks curious and says, "Ok dad, thanks." As he leaves the room, James says, "hang on son, what are you watching up there to make you ask that ?"
The son replies, "Wimbledon 2008".

courtesy of Jim Cryer

A pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said,  'If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I'll have wild sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?' The Englishman piped up, 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham' he said. 'Thats no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'.  The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.  'Thats no better. There'll be no wild sex for you either I'm afraid Hamish.How about you Paddy ?' The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, 'London'.

'Thats Brilliant, Paddy !' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of steamy wild sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said -

'd-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-e-rry.'

courtesy of June Bridson

Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God - "I've got forty travellers here. Can I let them in ?"

God says "We're over quota on gypos. Tell them to choose between them which are the twelve most worthy, and I'll let the dozen in."

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the blower to God again. "They've gone", he tells God.

"What ?" says God, "All forty of them ?".

"No, the gates".

courtesy of Ade Critten

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane . . '

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell us tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny said, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

courtesy of our Northern correspondant

Clive is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a perch. It doesn't have feet or legs. Clive says aloud, 'Blimey, I wonder what happened to this parrot ?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Bloody hell,' said Clive. 'You understood and answered me !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah ' says Clive. 'Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet ?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my todger around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says Clive. ' You really can understand and speak English can't you ?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

Clive looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't justify that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me as I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!'

So Clive offers £20 to the owner, which is accepted, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great friend, he understands everything and he's insightful. Clive is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes,'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks Clive.

'When the postman delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT !!! says Clive incredulously. 'THEN what happened ?'

'Well, the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO !' he exclaims. 'And she let him ?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over . . .'

'THEN WHAT HAPPENED ?'

'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch !'

courtesy of IOM Post Office

Sue and Yvette were playing golf. Sue teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing an adjacent hole. The ball hit one of the men, who then clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony. Sue ran to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

"I'm SO sorry. Please allow me to help. I've got very gentle hands and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied courageously, as he was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position and still clasping his hands together at his groin. At Sue's persistence, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage under the curious gaze of the three other men. After several minutes, she asked "How does that feel ?"

He replied "Thats really nice, but I think my thumb's still broken . . . "

courtesy of Flavian

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Bruce sitting at the next table turned to look at her."Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie. The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head."Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head 'No!!!' With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her bum. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Bruce said in admiration, "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen anybody do it"

courtesy of JL

Grandfathers take note - DO  NOT lose your grandchildren.
 
A  small boy was lost in the Trafford shopping centre. He approached  a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa'.
 
The  policeman asked, 'What's he like ?'  The little boy hesitated  for a moment and then replied,  

'Gordons gin and women with big  tits.'

courtesy of A. N. Other

A man owned a small farm in Georgia.  The Georgia State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him."I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent."Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

courtesy of Jim Lowry

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and  his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective  surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches ?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches ? Why would he need  crutches ?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna  lengthen his legs, aren't  you ?

courtesy of Miss A N Other

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard, and when no-one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard together and the ranch was doing very well. One day, the rancher's widow said, "You've done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2.30am, and upon entering the house he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed them gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped the lacy black bra to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired !"

courtesy of Nikki Black

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaimed - "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of Buffalo Festival, we take your scalp in three days. But before I kill you I grant you three requests. What is first request ?"

The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse."  The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I still kill you in two days. What is second request ?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver  returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and stays the night. In the morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request ?"

The Lone Ranger said,"I'd like to speak to my horse. ALONE." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time - BRING POSSE !!!"

courtesy of Jim Cryer